Have you ever felt any regrets, or wished your life had turned out differently?
Do you ever feel envy towards your friends that seem to have it all; happily married, with beautiful families?
Lately, I am struggling with my singleness.
I have mixed feelings. A part of me feels a certain peace about being single. I don't miss the marital stress and I don't miss the fighting. I also have a fear of intimacy, and major trust issues.
But there is another part of me that just as soon as I get a glimpse of what other people have; I feel regretful and lonely. Sort of like I have wasted too many years holding out for my 'ideal' mate. And a little resentful; like I've been shorted my “American Dream” that I have carried around with me, for as long as I can recall.
This is not about babies anymore. I have moved past the baby urges, thankfully!
It's about companionship with someone who would hold my heart. It's about spending the rest of my days with a man with whom I'd share mutual admiration and respect for. A man I can feel safe enough to give my heart to, and in return he'd give me his. A man who will be there to push me in a wheelchair when I am old and frail. Or a man who I will help to feed and dress, when he is no longer able to take care of himself. A man who will hold my hand, make me laugh, and will let me wrap my arms around him, while lying next to him at night.
Over the past couple of years I have re-connected (thanks to Facebook) with people I once knew, when I was young. Many of them are former boyfriends. It feels as if they're all married, with lovely wives and beautiful children.
In many of my past relationships, I had hit the 'eject button' at the first sign of trouble. I was insecure, sometimes a bit immature, and I didn't want to wait around long enough to get hurt. I was outta there!
And if I was the one who ended the relationship, I start to second-guess my initial decision to dump. I wonder if I should have had more patience and held on, rather than letting go. And what REALLY stings is the fact that many of them (including my ex-fiance) have married the very next girl to come along after me. Ouch.
I know envy is wrong. I try to appreciate my life as it is, and try to stop myself from having these foolish regrets. I try to remind myself that it's not about me – it's about God. HIS plan, not mine.
But I still struggle with it.
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You are not alone. We always second guess our decisions to not marry or to not have kids.
ReplyDeleteA friend once told me not to focus so much on finding the right person as opposed to being the right person.
ReplyDeleteI have a married friend who has wedding pictures all over his house... in every room. It's not easy being there, sometimes.
The thing you have to remember is GOD created you differently, but HE didn't love you any less. HE gives us a compass, not a roadmap. Don't worry about whether or not you're in HIS will by being married or not married. Just make a good decision; GOD will bless a wise decision and make it even better (Romans 8:28).
Remember how you once told me 18th Century women married for security and not love? I wager many single ladies are doing the same thing, but their "security" is conquering the fear of ending up old and alone, or beating the biological clock, or some other reason that doesn't come from the heart but from the nerves.
Be Blessed, My Lady!
Your Humble Servant And (Single) Friend,
Christopher
Beth. You are wise and sensitive person. I always knew that is what lingered behind your blue eyes. I understand what you mean in this post. I spend most of my nights alone ... no wife, no girls (kids), not even a cat named Smokey. And you know what? I hate it! I hate it with a passion. Now I dont hate me but I do hate IT. When I get my girls I relish the "noise." Now there is nothing wrong with being "alone" and it is certainly not a punishment from God. Some, like Paul, had the "gift" (1 Cor 7.7) but I for one do not!! Over the last three years I have become incredibly sensitive to the needs of "singles" because so many are like me ... single but it is not spiritual giftedness. I appreciate your post. I am in prayer for you and your little angel.
ReplyDeleteSuch a well written post - I think it's an old cliche, but that if you just seek out happiness every day, you'll wind up with a life you can live with.
ReplyDeleteThat is the cutest picture on top of your post! So sweet! I think that is why social networking and blogging is so popular--we can create our own bubble of security and not have to feel like the odd woman out. I can relate to your post 100%! Thanks for writing it so well!
ReplyDeleteWOW pretty much every comment above me has posted some of my thoughts on the matter! Thanks for your post, it's an honest take on what many people feel! But as a single gal myself I can tell you sometimes the grass is always greener and I'd rather be alone than be with someone making me miserable. The friends you think 'have it all' might not. Many of them probably have philandering partners, money stress or other issues in the marriage you may not be aware of. I actually don't think you are feeling 'envy' in the true sense of the word, just a yearning. And that's OK. I oftentimes am my own worst enemy in finding a partner, when I was young my nose was always in a book, now it's always in my work, make yourself more 'available' to finding someone and I'm sure you will!
ReplyDeleteTracy @ Ascending Butterfly
Enjoyed reading your blog on marriage envy....I kissed a LOT of frogs before finding my prince....trust me....not worth the leap...wait for God even in these difficult times I am so very familar with! Blessings!
ReplyDeleteGirl! I read some things in your post that I feel as well. ALL of my exes have married the one after me. It was like I primed them for marriage and someone else got to experience the rewards. Or so I thought. Each has contacted me since saying I was the one - blahblahblah. I want companionship. Someone who has my back.
ReplyDeleteIt took me 18 long years to find the right person. Actually I was not looking and just trusted if it was to happen for me then the Universe would provide such a person.
ReplyDeleteEnvy is unfortunately a natural occurence but with patience, the person you are TRULY meant to be with will somehow find you.
Following from 40 Followers and your newest follower.
Peace...Naila Moon
http://writing-out-of-the-blue.blogspot.com/
*hands up for trust issues* It really does hold you back, especially when men have the respect is given not earned mentality. To me i can't trust anyone unless given reason to do so.
ReplyDelete