How to Keep Facebook from Ruining Your Relationship

Today, a Facebook friend of mine shared a link to a blog post about Facebook itself, and the people who use it.

Many of us these days have a Facebook account; a free online social media tool which allows us to connect and interact with one another.

• Facebook currently has more than 500 million active users, 200 million of these people are currently accessing Facebook through their mobile devices.
• More than 30 billion pieces of content (web links, news stories, blog posts, notes, photo albums, etc.) are shared on Facebook each month.
• People spend over 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook.
• The average Facebook user has 130 friends.
• The average user creates 90 pieces of content each month.
• The average user is connected to 80 community pages, groups and events.
• There are over 900 million components (groups, events and community pages) to Facebook.

Facebook has been credited for reuniting long, lost relatives, helping the unemployed to find a job, allowing law enforcement to catch criminals, finding organ donors, enabling potential employers and college admissions officers to screen candidates accordingly, providing an easier way to serve court notices to defendants, as well as providing a way for singles to meet.

Facebook can also be attributed to infidelity, both emotional and physical.  Countless marriages have been risked and ruined due to infidelity, and sometimes tragedy ensues.

But is Facebook itself to blame?  Much like that old expression, "Guns Don't Kill People, People Kill People" – Facebook isn't the real problem here.  The problem lies within the people who abuse Facebook.  Particularly, in the area of marriage and relationships.

What many people DON'T seem realize is that many, many precautions can be made to avoid such pitfalls of emotional infidelity (which can, and most often do, lead to physical infidelity).

First let's explore five common areas of contention that might occur if a married or committed person was abusing Facebook:

• Going on the warpath. Complaining or ranting about one's spouse would never be OK in a social situation such as a dinner party, so why would it be OK on Facebook?
• Questionable Facebook "friends."  Do you think you'd be able to tell who is sizing up your current relationship, and testing it for any weaknesses? You may be "friends" with an old flame, old crush, family, co-workers and real-life friends who might not have your best interests at heart - mainly the best interest of keeping your marriage healthy and in tact.  If you "friend" a past-love interest, or meddlesome friend or relative on Facebook, your interaction with them is EXTREMELY critical and can create real and devastating collateral damage. In many cases, it might be best to not interact with them at all.
• The cavalier "I’m just having fun" attitude. Let's say your spouse/significant other has reservations or anxiety about your connection with people, or has expressed concerns regarding particular comments made to you, or by you, on your Facebook profile.  If your response is dismissive, flippant or even indignant, you're doing your partner (and yourself) a great disservice!  Acknowledge their feelings and try to put yourself in their position – how would it make YOU feel, if the situation was reversed? Empathize and try to understand WHY they might feel the way that they do. Compassion is key.
• The questionable or inappropriate "TMI" status-updates and comments.  If you're over-sharing intimate or embarrassing details about your relationship or home-life, your dirty laundry can be seen as a sign that you're not happy in your relationship, as well as a welcome invitation for trouble. It's always a good rule of thumb to stop and ask yourself, "Is this something that I would be sharing if my spouse were looking over my shoulder?" and "Could I be embarrassing anyone else by writing this?"

Ways you can help prevent and curtail Facebook relationship problems:

• Allow your spouse to "friend" your acquaintances and friends on Facebook.
• Discuss and set clear boundaries together with your spouse.
• Don't keep your partner or spouse a "secret" on Facebook.  Name them in the relationship status section of your profile.
• Give your significant other a warm "shout out" in your status updates, once in a while, and  make only complimentary comments and remarks about him/her.
• Hide any "person of interest" who could possibly pose a threat to your significant other from within your news-feed, so that you will not be tempted to interact with them.
• Hide yourself; e.g. your posts, status-updates, photos from the aforementioned people, the ability to write on your "wall," limiting their interaction with you.
• Limit time spent on Facebook.
• Post only photos of the two of you, as a couple, for your profile photo.
• Share one account between the both of you.
• Share/exchange passwords with one another.
• Turn the chat feature in Facebook off.  It could easily set the precedence for lengthy email, phone conversations, and quite possibly face-to-face meetings, which are all non-productive (and possibly detrimental) to your existing relationship.
• "Unfriend" ANYONE who makes your spouse uncomfortable (even your own mother, if need be) and do not accept anyone's friend request that could be upsetting to your partner.

Whatever you choose to look for on Facebook can be found.  Keep this in mind if you're searching to reconnect with your childhood friends, or find an old flame.  Really think things through, and where this could potentially lead you, before doing anything.  The connection is often immediate, and once that door from the past is re-opened, the sudden onslaught of old emotions can be overwhelming.  Be prepared – it can knock your socks off.

And like any open door, be prepared to have that door tightly slam shut, once and for all.

Quiz: Is Your On-Line Friendship Too Friendly?